life!

I got up the nerve to finally put myself first in the morning.. my daughter calls in the afternoon saying shes pregnant.. and bam! life changes that fast

i dunno why

Its amazing how many different ways your heart  and mind can torment you, eh?

My Blockage

ok.. this is my brain. Where the arrow is pointing to is a blockage in my right transverse sinus. ( not THAT kinda sinus, this carries fluid that cushions your head) This lil blockage got me three new specialist and more delays.. more bed time FUCKKKKKKKK just fucking fix it already.

I love my mom so much.. so much that I brave speaking to my rapist daily to talk to her. I gray rock it. I seems to work well.. sometimes I cry in anger.. but he doesn't win, I do. Killing him would be too good for him, so I gray rock it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=auxRg17F8yI


im having this done

A little brain disease humor..Look! I found my blog lol

I have been feeling sooo shitty lately. I had a lumbar puncture, my 5th.. and the doctor said you know you should really see about getting a shunt lol hello?! Dont docs talk to each other anymore? I hate having one doctor here, one doc there.. 4 docs three hours away. It makes NO sense.. fkin small towns.

So, high pressure starts at 20.. my pressure was 49. If I hadnt have been sedated, Id have been shocked..lol I knew it was super high.. I havent been smoking weed ( which lowers CSF pressure) and my face felt like I was wearing a heavy mask and it was very numb on top of the headaches, neck aches and spine pain. Now, I feel great. I can even see better, too bad it only lasts a week or so.

Wednesday, I see the neurosurgeon to see when my date is.. or if I have to see yet another specialist.

Not much else is new.. the boys are doing well.. Aurora is off on an adventure to Watertown, and the mister is sick. HE keeps saying." im sick!" duh! I think he gave it to me, but his kisses are worth it.

I'm talking to my mother every day now. I call her or she calls me. We talk about puke, shit.. chemo.. radiation and thats ok with me. At least we are talking. My niece is pregnant! My only niece/nephew... im going to be a great auntie. I cant wait! Shes already picked names.. Rosie or Vinnie. SO cute, like Uncle vinnie. So italian lol Rosie from rosie the rivetor or however you spell it, as they are both into rockabilly. You know i'll be crocheting like a mofo.

I'm trying to stay positive, but I have my moments. Im nervous about surgery. A part of me wishes that I die during it, im so sick of being in pain and it wont stop my pain.. just save my eyesiight.. then the biggest part of me knows that that is so selfish and I cant leave Jono and Scotty alone. Derek would miss me but he has Jason and Aurora.. im not sure she even loves me most days.. ugh.

me today ! <3

I dont even know what my last post was lol
SO much is going on, and im very numb.
Tired of my life, but cant leave it yet.
Id feel too bad for them..